Tratie Oneshots
by czaplabtheswagmonster
Summary: Series of unrelated oneshots, all Tratie. Formerly a oneshot called "Red Vines".
1. Red Vines

**Title**: **Red Vines**

**Rating: T, for Travis's references**

**Words: 1,834**

**Summary: They just brought down the Titan army, most of them are injured, and NYC is still in crisis. So the naturally, the Hermes kids go raid Dylan's Candy Bar. But someone Travis wasn't expecting is already there… Tratie oneshot.**

**A/N: I was reading the end of TLO and this practically wrote itself. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. Only even own one of the OC Hermes kids; the rest belong to deadmanwalking123, TropicCitrus, and Cellz-of-the-nonexistent-pen-name. Don't own the Gummy Bear song, don't own ****The Giraffe and the Pelly and Me**** (why is the monkey left out of the title?), and don't own A Very Potter Musical. I shamelessly ripped off all three of them and called it 'making anecdotes'. Sue me. (Not really. I got nothing worth taking.)**

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><p>"Cookie, this is Drunken Monkey. The target has been confirmed, repeat, the target has been confirmed, do you copy? Over," Travis Stoll stage-whispered to his brother.<p>

Conner rolled his eyes at his partner in crime. "Travis," he said patiently, "one, that is a style of martial arts, not a code name. Two, children of Hermes can't get drunk. Three, I can see it as well as you can. And four, you're standing right next to me!Trav, can we just go before the klaxon back there–" he jerked a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the Empire State Building "–dies down? You _know_ Percy would make us leave."

Travis sniffed haughtily. "Hmph. It wouldn't be a mission if there weren't code names. Wait – hey, guys, wait up! Cookie, look what you've DONE!" He fake-sobbed as he chased after his siblings, Chris, Reed, Julian, Lilah, and Daniel, who'd headed off towards the target without him, leaping over slumbering citizens and weaving between idling cars.

"What? How is that my fault? And did I mention that five, we don't need code names to raid a candy bar when the owner's asleep?" Conner added to the space where Travis had been.

"But it makes it more fun," pointed out an adult voice, right behind him.

"Ah!" yelped Conner. He whirled around.

A fresh-faced young jogger was grinning down at him. "You didn't think you were going without me, did you?" Hermes smiled. He and his son followed the rest of the cabin, eventually arriving at the door of Dylan's Candy bar.

"Told you Dad was awesome," Travis mumbled to Conner as they stepped inside.

Typical Hermes kids. They'd just defeated a Titan army, most of them were injured, and the biggest city in the country was still in crisis. So what do they do?

What else but rob a candy shop?

Dylan was presumably the man snoozing at the counter. Reed lifted him up and laid him on top of the counter, and then speedily picked the lock on the display case underneath. The other six demigods and their father, however, simply stared in wonder at the mind-blowing array of confections.

Honeydukes had nothing on this place.

An entire wall was devoted to chocolate, prominently featuring the display case, which held a dazzling selection of gourmet truffles and fudge. The familiar wrappers of Hershey's of all kinds, Godiva squares, Lindt truffles, Snickers, Twix, Reese's, M&M's, Kit Kats, York peppermint patties, Toblerone, Tootsie rolls, Milky Ways, Three Musketeers, and so many more gleamed from the shelves. Boxes of Milk Duds, Charleston Chews, Junior Mints, and pocky flaunted their colors between Butterfingers, Baby Ruths, Pay Days, and Almond Joys. Chocolate heaven? Oh yes.

On the other walls, the shelves and carousels displayed candy that would've made Willy Wonka himself green with envy. Nerds and smarties, lollipops and dum dums, Now and Laters, Lifesavers, Ring Pops, Necco wafers, Starbursts, laffy taffy, saltwater taffy, pixie sticks, jolly ranchers, and far more lined the walls. A deep bin in the center was dedicated completely to assorted gummies – gummy worms, gummy lifesavers, gummy animals, gummy bottles, gummy fruits, gummy people, gummy hamburgers and hot dogs, gummy eyeballs, gummy hearts, Swedish Fish, and of course gummy bears, right underneath a cardboard display of the infamous green Gummi Bear and speakers playing his song, "Oh I'm a gummy bear, yes I'm a gummy bear…" over and over again. Marshmallows, peppermints, jawbreakers and warheads, rock candy and Pez, caramels and candy canes, licorice, Sour Patch Kids, Airheads, and thousands of varieties of gum showed off brightly colored wrappers and mouthwatering scents.

There were more exotic candies, too, the Gumtwizzlers and Fizzwinkles from China, Frothblowers and Spitsizzlers from Africa, Tummyticklers and Gobwangles from the Fiji Islands, Liplickers and Plushnuggets from the Land of the Midnight Sun. There were Giant Wangdoodles from Australia, with a huge red strawberry hidden inside each crispy chocolate crust, Electric Fizzcocklers that made every hair on your head stand up straight, Rainbow Drops that turned your spit eight different colors, the Stickjaw for talkative parents, the Mint Jujubes that give you green teeth for a month, Nishnobblers and Gumglotters and Blue Bubblers and Sherbert Sluerpers and Tongue Rakers and Scarlet Scorchdroppers and Glumptious Globgobblers and Pishlets and Devil's Drencehrs and…

"All right there," whispered Conner hoarsely. "Ripe for the taking."

This was no mere candy bar. This was treasure.

And as any good thief knows, treasure is there to be stolen.

"FOR SPARTAAAA!" the Hermes cabin bellowed as one, descending on the candy like a pack of hungry wolves.

Because if an army marches on its stomach, then the Spartans must've visited Dylan's Candy Bar before each campaign.

And who were they to break Spartan law?

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><p>Travis Stoll was in heaven.<p>

He was buried almost completely in the central bin, gummies disappearing down his throat at a rate that defied the laws of physics. Wrappers littered the floor around him, concealing the wood under scraps of paper and cellophane. He'd already pillaged the chocolate section, as the generous streaks of brown on his face would testify. Mm, chocolate.

Absently, Travis glanced at the chest-high pile of wrappers that was rapidly accumulated in the only candy-free place in the store, behind the counter. A grin split Travis's face and he climbed up out of the bin, emerging with gummies dripping from his clothes like Poseidon rising from the depths. He teetered on the edge for a moment, leaped to the counter, and fell as much as dove headlong into the pile, sending wrappers flying into the air like spontaneous psychedelic confetti and it was wonderful.

And then Travis crashed into something.

"Ow!" said the something. A head of thick brown hair, followed by a pretty face and large green eyes, materialized from the pile. Katie Gardiner blinked up at Travis, rubbing her head.

"K-Katie! Gods, I'm s-so sorry, a-are you all right?" Travis stuttered, startling away from the daughter of Demeter like she'd electrocuted him and awkwardly offering her a sticky hand up.

Katie looked dubiously at the sugar-coated hand and climbed out herself, brushing off the stray wrappers.

"I'll be fine," she answered, a glint in her eye, "after a delicious… Red Vine." She pulled two Red Vines from her pocket and offered one to Travis.

"Oh my gods!" the son of Hermes blurted out. "I _love_ Red Vines!" He stuck the Red Vine in his mouth.

Katie followed suit. "Inorite?" she agreed, leaning against the counter. "They're, like, my favorite candy _ever_–"

Suddenly, both demigods fell silent as if struck dumb by Stickjaws.

Stunned, Travis turned towards Katie at the exact same time that she turned towards him.

Travis mutely raised his right hand. Simultaneously, Katie raised her left. Abruptly, both hands dropped back to their owners' sides.

Travis raised his left hand and Katie raised her right, perfectly in synch.

In a voice trembling with emotion, Travis spoke. "Favorite Aimee Mann song on three. One, two, three–"

"Red Vines," they answered in unison.

"Favorite vines that aren't green," Travis continued.

"Red Vines!" the two demigods chorused.

"Favorite way to say red wines with a German accent?"

"RED VINES! OH MY GOD!" The daughter of Demeter and son of Hermes hugged each other like they'd found their soul mates. "Where have you BEEN all my life?" cried Travis.

"In a cupboard, under some stairs," Katie replied nonchalantly.

"That is SO COOL!" enthused Travis.

"Red Vines! What the hell CAN'T they do?" shouted Conner from across the store.

"…" said Travis.

"He was…uh…listening to us?" Katie inquired uneasily.

They looked at Conner. He appeared to be setting his breath on fire. He wasn't paying the two demigods behind the counter any attention.

"I think he was just talking about Red Vines…" said Travis uncertainly.

Katie shrugged. "That just proves the omniscience of Red V–"

"Even _gods_ must bow to Red Vines!" hollered Hermes.

"…" said Travis.

"…" said Katie.

"I feel the need for an abrupt subject change how did a daughter of Demeter get in the middle of a Hermes candy raid?" asked Travis in one breath.

Katie blushed green. (Demeter kids do that. They also have green thumbs. Literally, the skin is green. There's your random demigod trivia of the day.) "You know how we made Fifth Ave into a jungle?"

"Yeah," recalled Travis. "There were some palm trees. The coconuts were good."

Katie swatted him, sliding down the counter and sitting cross-legged in the cluttered carpet of candy wrappers. "Do you EVER think about anything but food?"

"Yes." He sat too, putting a hand on Katie's shoulder and staring seriously into her eyes. "I think about sex."

She snickered in spite of herself. "What about both at the same time?"

"That, my good miss, is what we know as 'bacon'," Travis answered gravely. "Eighty percent of rapes begin with a hand on the shoulder," he added casually. Then he couldn't keep a straight face any longer, and they both cracked up.

"Hey, you never answered my question," Travis realized when they sobered up.

"You never let me!" Katie protested indignantly. "As I was SAYING, we made a jungle…and now we have to clean it up before Morpheus wakes up the city."

Travis cocked his head. "So you're here for rocket fuel?" He meant candy, to give her the energy to unmake the jungle. But 'rocket fuel' just sounded so much awesomer.

"Noooooo," answered Katie reluctantly, "I'm here because…BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY AND I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE CLEANING, OKAY?" She flushed bright green.

Realization dawned on Travis. "So…Miss Responsible Demeter Jr.…is…skipping out of work?" He started laughing.

"Shutup," retorted Katie automatically. He just laughed harder, and she turned forest green with embarrassment. _How on Olympus to shut him up?_ she thought angrily.

"You have chocolate on your cheeks," Katie snapped, and, before she could lose her nerve, leaned forward and licked off a smear of chocolate with a small pink tongue.

He froze.

She blushed.

Travis slowly turned towards Katie, eyes enigmatic.

"You missed," he said quietly.

Katie's heart fluttered like hummingbird wings. _W-what does he mean? What did he – oh gods, he's leaning towards me, why is my heart beating like this, he's so close, did I just answer my own question? Oh my gods, what is he doing…_

Their faces were inches apart. Her breathing hitched at his proximity, closer, closer–

Travis's lips touched hers.

Katie's eyes widened. _He-he's kissing me? What? Some stupid Aphrodite's gotta be behind this–_

Suddenly, she noticed that Travis tasted like Red Vines.

Katie remembered Conner's words.

_Red Vines! What the hell CAN'T they do?_ he'd said.

If Red Vines could give Travis Stoll the courage to kiss her, then Red Vines could give her the courage to kiss him back.

So she did.

THE END

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><p><strong>EDIT<strong>

**Wow. This story got way more of a response than I expected. So I'm continuing it. Congratulations. Next oneshot should be coming soon, and it's definitely not what you expect. "Katie's mom has got it goin' on, she's all I want and I've waited for so long..." IT'S JUST INNOCENT CRACK DON'T EAT ME**


	2. Katie's Mom

**Title: Katie's Mom**

**Rating: T+, for Travis's hormones and extreme perversion.**

**Summary: In which Travis develops an unlikely celebrity crush. Based off Stacy's Mom.**

**This story is… CONTINUED! A whole bunch of completely unrelated oneshots shall now be posted. I might put them in some sort of order when I'm done…mebbe…**

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, Nico and Hestia would've been together, Hermes would be Apollo's bitch, there would've been demi-Titans, The Son Of Neptune would've come out already, and it wouldn't have been so damned racist. (Seriously, almost every single character was white.) Don't own Some Like It Hot, either.**

_Katie can I come over after we leave Ma-anhattan? (Manhattan)_

_We can hang around by Demete-er's ca-a-a-abin (ca-abin)_

_Did your mom get back from her Olympus trip? (Olympus trip)_

_Is she there or is she tryna' give me the sli-i-i-i-ip? (Give me the slip..)_

_You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be._

_I'm somewhat grown up now, Katie can't you see!_

"It's so…big," worried Katie. She stared at it. The rest weren't nearly this big.

"It's okay," soothed Travis. "It'll fit fine."

"Maybe we should use a fake one," she deliberated. "They're a lot safer. No risks. Accidents can't happen."

Travis rolled his eyes. "Katie. Stop fussing. The rock will fit perfectly. Here, let me show you–" Travis picked up the last stone and dropped it into place, finishing the fire ring.

"It was made to be bigger than the rest," he explained patiently. "It _is_ the one with her symbol on it." He pointed at the pieces of wheat.

"I know," she snapped, going back to her work on the fire pit.

Travis shifted the rock to fit better, and turned back to the framework of the shrine that he'd been working on. The hammer slipped and hit his thumb, and he let out a stream of curses in every language he knew, pretending not to see Katie's reproving glare.

Why'd HE get stuck doing this, anyway? It was SUPPOSED to be a punishment for the chocolate Easter bunnies, but his brothers and sister had gotten chores like cleaning the pegasi tack and teaching arts and crafts to the littles, whereas he was stuck _here_, helping build a new shrine to Demeter, in the middle of the woods with the bossy head counselor.

Unfair, he groused mentally. Chiron must hate him. No matter what he'd done or what his punishment was, he ended up doing the chore with Katie Gardiner. Goddamned old centaur, he thought irritably, swatting at a mosquito.

Well, _trying _to, at least.

A hand caught his an inch from the insect. The mosquito buzzed off, unharmed.

Travis gritted his teeth. Slowly, he put down the hammer – holding it was not a good idea; angry Hermes kids had bad history with hammers – and turned to look at Katie. "Why. Did. You. Just. Do. That," he growled. If she hadn't been a girl, he'd have slugged her right then and there.

She released his hand. "All life is precious, she said primly."

"Not that goddamned mosquito."

"Mosquitoes," Katie informed him, "provide a food source for birds and frogs, keep down the population of larger animals–"

"You are seriously telling me that animals should live so other animals can die?" Travis snorted, foul mood growing by the second.

"It keeps the ecosystem balanced, idiot! You WANT two hundred wolverines running around?"

"It'd give me SOMETHING to fight–"

Katie slapped Travis across the face.

"?" said Travis.

"Mosquito," said Katie innocently.

Travis was furious. Girl or nut, she was dead meat. "I'm gonna pulverize you–!"

Katie looked into the woods. "I see you," she said to nobody.

Travis blinked. "I'm, uh, right here…" he said, slightly nonplussed. Had Katie cracked?

Wait. The hammer was in his hand. When did that get there?

Why was red mist fading from his vision?

Then he saw someone step out from behind the trees. A tall, ripped someone, wearing black leather and wraparound sunglasses that concealed eyes like tiny suns, and looking totally out of place in the Snow Whitey forest.

"Hello, punks," Ares smirked.

Travis realized in a flash what Ares had done, where the irrational fury had come from. "I AM GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A PIECE OF CORNBREAD AND FEED YOU TO A BALD NARWHAL GOD WITH LEPROSY!" he yelled, advancing on the god with his hammer.

Ares' children threaten to pulverize you.

Hermes' children threaten to turn you into a piece of cornbread and feed you to a bald narwhal god with leprosy.

Who's the better dad?

Exactly.

And then Ares did something unbelievable. He held up his hands in the universal gesture of surrender. "Easy, kid. Just having some fun."

EEHHHH?

Ares was backing down from a fight?

Something was terribly, terribly wrong here. Maybe somewhere, somebody had divided by zero, or made stripes and plaid look good together, or finally convinced Hera that Zeus was in love with General Tso and not her. Something had just gone against all laws of the universe.

And then a goddess walked out of the tree – literally, straight out of the tree – and Travis understood completely.

_Katie's mom has it going on,_

_She's all I want and I've waited so long,_

_Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me_

_I know it might be wrong, but,_

_I'm in love with Katie's mom._

The woman was gorgeous. She made her overalls and Wellies look like a designer gown. Beautiful, thick brown hair, interwoven with leafy twigs, framed a regal face with commanding green eyes. Slender vines blooming with small white flowers twined up and down her entire body, highlighting curves and setting off Travis's very active teenage imagination. Oh gods. Oh, gods. She was the hottest lady he'd ever seen.

"Hot damn," said Travis under his breath.

The age difference wasn't too much, was it? A few thousand years or so, no biggie…

Demeter frowned at him, glowered at Ares – he had clearly been annoying her – and smiled at her daughter. "Kathryn, I am here to bless your new shrine."

"Kathryn?" Travis muttered, barely holding in snickers.

"Shut up," she hissed back as Demeter continued.

"Ares–" she treated the god in question to a cold glare "–volunteered to travel here with me, so he could visit his children too."

Bull. The gods never visited camp unless it was to say something cryptic, maybe give a gift or two, and vanish again. Not to visit their kids. _Especially_ not Ares. So…he was crushing on Demeter, too? His own aunt…Okay, that's just creepy.

Ares winked at Demeter. "And we could go for a spin in the chariot afterwards–"

Demeter politely informed him exactly where he could put his chariot.

Yep, Travis was definitely liking this lady.

Ares didn't even bat an eyelash, instead staring unashamedly at her chest, and Demeter's rage flared up. She told the younger god to do something unrepeatable with a cucumber, and then instructed him to go somewhere definitely further south than Georgia. He didn't, which was unfortunate because if Travis could've filmed it it would've been great blackmail material, but he did finally get a clue through his thick skull, and left in a burst of light.

Demeter muttered something foul in Greek, and strode towards the half-finished framework of the shrine, brushing past the lovestruck Travis. Not many people can stride convincingly, but Demeter was definitely one of them. She inspected the framework critically.

"Shoddy," she said.

_Hey, I'm no Hephaestus_, Travis wanted to say. Hermes never stayed in one place long enough to build anything anyway.

But all parts of his brain were occupied with the goddess. Oh, hormones. Happy days, happy days.

Demeter flicked her hands at the sloppy structure. Immediately, it stopped wobbling, and the wood – the wood _grew together_. The nails were spat out onto the forest floor, and the wood shaped itself into a graceful shrine, with vines and crops carved into the wood. The shrine seemed to sprout from the ground itself, fitting into the glade like a puzzle piece. It was perfect.

Katie materialized a few stalks – ears? Stems? Hermes wasn't too good with plants either – of wheat in her hand and placed them on the shrine. They went up in smoke immediately. How, you ask? Well, how the Hades would Travis know? Most sacrifices were done in the fire pit that they'd made, with regular or Greek fire. This must've been an initiation or something.

Travis smiled drunkenly at Demeter. Any lady who could make things spontaneously combust was fine by him. Hermes might not be great at plants or building, but he was the freaking INVENTOR of explosives.

Demeter scowled back at him. "Work, you moron." Travis nodded slowly, and began picking up the nails that the wood had regurgitated.

A mosquito buzzed near his ear, and he absently raised a hand to swat it.

Demeter caught the hand, letting the mosquito escape. "All life is precious," she reprimanded him.

"Uh huh," said Travis, in a daze. Demeter dropped the hand, and he recovered control of his brain just enough to look away as she vanished in an annoyed blast of light.

"Zowie," said Travis, smiling dreamily at the Demeter-shaped space that had formerly held a goddess.

Katie glared at him. "Let's go," she muttered, snatching up the tools they'd been using, and stalking off without even waiting for a response.

Travis broke out of his trance in time to stare after Katie in confusion. "What's got _her_ panties in a twist?" he asked nobody in particular.

When the empty woods completely failed to provide an answer, he sighed and shook his head. "Women."

_Katie's mom has it going on_

_Katie's mom has it going on_

_Katie, do you remember when I mowed the lawn? (At Demeter's temple)_

_You're mom came out with just a toga o-o-o-o-on (Toga on)_

_I could tell she liked me from the way she glared (The way she glared..)_

_And the way she said, "You really get in my ha-a-a-a-air" (Get in my hair)_

_And I know that you think it's just a fantasy_

_But I'm seven inches long; all girls love a guy like me!_

**(Sure you are, Travis. Sure you are.)**

Travis was sweating like it was August in the Fields of Punishment and Zeus had finally figured out who had redecorated his temple with condoms, lace panties, and photoshopped pictures of the King of the Gods with two naked girls on each arm and the word ZEUS printed to (barely) cover the girls'…er…womanly areas.

The hot sun – which, contrary to the sluggish, lethargic, couch-potato-ly aura that usually indicated Apollo's August malaise, only hailed from early June – beat down unmercifully, and sweat dripped from every pore of Travis's skin. Although he knew fully that the sweat only added to the sex appeal of his ripped bare chest, as the hordes of giggling fangirls testified, he modestly pretended to have no idea why the number of girls ogling him was multiplying by the second.

…okay, okay, so that's a tiny, infinitesimal exaggeration. Tiny. Like ACTUAL size of that spider that Annabeth insisted was big enough to swallow her alive without even noticing kind of tiny.

So there weren't any fangirls; damn Conner, always monopolizing the market for Hermes boys. So he wasn't exactly ripped. So what?

Anyway, pretending he was a stud provided a welcome distraction from reality, which was that he was mowing the lawn outside Demeter's temple, he might catch heatstroke soon, and the reason he was there was nowhere to be seen.

Why Demeter needed a lawn cut was beyond him. As more or less the goddess of plants, you'd think she wouldn't want to feed them to the mobile grass guillotine, as he'd dubbed the lawnmower. _I guess even gods are hypocrites_, Travis thought. He then remembered that Zeus had forced Hera to swear to always obey him, and then proceeded to zip down to Earth, meet up with mortal women, and fuck like bunnies, pardon the expression. _Make that 'ESPECIALLY gods are hypocrites'._

But Travis wasn't there to ponder the mysteries of the gods' cognition. He wasn't there because he was getting paid. He wasn't even there because Chiron had put him on a punishment with the Demeter cabin AGAIN. Nope, Travis was there for one simple reason:

Lust.

His hormone-filled brain would not forget Demeter. He hadn't noticed that there were special pancakes and coffee for breakfast that morning, and those were the staples of demigod life. When Conner mentioned that Travis must've been having really weird dreams cause he was moaning in his sleep a lot, he answered wistfully, "Wheat." He hadn't even noticed that Katie Gardiner had been getting snappier every time she saw him carving T.S. + D into some poor innocent tree, or doodling a cornucopia on his Ancient Greek homework.

Travis wanted only one thing: to see Demeter again. And so he'd volunteered for the uninviting job of lawn mowing. And of course Demeter hadn't shown.

_I seem to be made to suffer,_ he thought mournfully. _It's my lot in life._ _Any second now, the mower will melt, I'll keel over and die, and the love of my life will have to live forever knowing that she killed me–_

"You're really getting in my hair, you know," said a dry voice behind him.

Travis jumped about a foot into the air. His heart kicked into overdrive, and his palms would've started sweating if they hadn't been slippery with perspiration already.

_Demeter is here._

She was wearing a toga, and Travis gulped as he remembered that togas were worn commando. She was also glaring at him. "Listen, I'm flattered, but it's not going to happen, and you're being annoying."

"Uh huh," said Travis vacantly, staring somewhere that was definitely not her face.

Demeter snapped her fingers in front of his face. "I'm up here, nimrod! Listen to me!"

Travis raised his eyes unwillingly. "Demeter…"

He then did something that defied all laws of the known universe. (Besides the law that impossible things couldn't happen. Cause Ares had already broken that.)

He dropped down on one knee and said, with the sincerity of a Twilight fan's conviction in its writing quality, "Demeter, will you marry me?"

_Katie's mom has it going on!_

_She's all I want and I've waited for so long!_

_Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me_

_I know it might be wrong _

_But I'm in love with Katie's mom_

"Yes," said Demeter, with the seriousness of an hour on Dr. Demento.

"Really?" asked Travis eagerly.

"No!" she shouted in exasperation.

Tears welled up in Travis' eyes. "Why not?"

Demeter was suddenly at a loss. _What would drive him off?_ "First off, I'm not a natural blonde," she said. Well, it was true. She wasn't even unnaturally blonde. She was brunette. But in his state, Travis probably wouldn't notice.

Sure enough, "Doesn't matter," he said cheerfully.

"I smoke!" cried Demeter. "All the time!" Out of her ears, but it was still technically true…

"I don't care," said Travis, smiling like the idiot he was.

"I have a terrible past!" yelped the goddess. "For three millennia I've been living with a saxophone player!" Also true. Apollo played sax once. It was the most traumatizing experience she'd ever had, including when Poseidon raped her.

"I forgive you," grinned Travis. He could tell that he was winning.

"I can NEVER have children!" Demeter went on. Not true at all. She had oodles of children. If he had any brains in his head, he'd realize that. So naturally he didn't.

"We can adopt some," he said happily.

_Ugh! Will NOTHING work? Hm…just maybe…_ Demeter shifted her appearance to that of a middle-aged man. "Travis, you don't understand! I'm a man!"

"Well, nobody's perfect!" he smiled.

Demeter groaned and put her head in her hands.

_Katie's mom has it going on!_

_She's all I want and I've waited for so long..!_

_Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me_

_I know it might be wrong but oh oh..._

_I'm in love with (Katie's mom oh ahh)_

_I'm in love with (Katie's mom oh ahh)_

_Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me_

_I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Katie's mom._

Demeter then turned to threats.

"I will cut off your testicles with a frying pan, fry them in the pan, and serve them to you for dinner," she growled.

"Feisty," approved Travis.

"I'll tie you up with dental floss and let you starve to death!"

"Kinky," smirked Travis.

_He doesn't sound like a teenager,_ Demeter thought. _More like a perverted old man._ "I'll whip you until you beg for mercy!"

"Wow," Travis whistled. "Wouldn't have pegged you for being into SM. I can _definitely_ comply, though."

Demeter gritted her teeth. She only had one threat left in her arsenal. "I," she said, suddenly as smug as a cat about to win a game of chess, "will force your father to turn off your Internet access."

BOOM.

If minds were dynamite, Travis would've just shaken the earth. Synapses died horrible, painful deaths. His eyes bulged, and strangled words choked their way out of his throat. "You-you-wouldn't-can't-no-I-"

Demeter smiled. She had him.

Travis regained control of his mouth. "You WITCH!" he howled. "That is CRUEL and UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT and is outlawed by the Constitution! You are a cold, shrewish ogress!"

Normally Demeter would've incinerated the little brat for insulting her like that. But this was too enjoyable to destroy. She smirked as he went on with his rant. "I will never, never, ever marry you! No matter how much you ask! NEVER, YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!" And with that, Travis abandoned both the mobile grass guillotine and Demeter, tearing across the half-mown lawn and crashing through the woods until he reached his pegasus. He mounted in a flash and took off, screaming through the sky like a F-15 Eagle on steroids.

When Travis touched down on the camp beach, he staggered straight into the water and dove into the waves. The cool water washed away most of his sweat, and he straightened up, shuddering but refreshed.

"Dude, what the hell happened to you?" said a voice behind him. Conner.

Travis turned around. If his brother's reaction was any judge, he looked like an overheated ghost. He explained the tale in a few short sentences, and twitched at the memory.

Conner cogitated the story for a solid ten minutes. Then he looked up, presumably to say something encouraging.

"Wasn't that Chiron's mobile grass guillotine?" he pointed out. "He'll want it back."

Travis froze.

"Shit."

FIN

**General Tso, if you were wondering, is the Almighty God of MSG… ZeusxGeneralTso is the First True Pairing of the PJO fandom. ApolloxHermes and NicoxHestia are tied for second. (I'm cool with Percabeth, but it's overdone.)**

…**So I make up crazy crack pairings, so what?**

**And if you don't know what an F-15 Eagle looks like, it's Starscream from Transformers.**

**R&R?**


	3. One Big Happy Family

**Title: One Big Happy Family**

**Rating: T, for the story about Aphrodite**

**Summary: Nobody's ever really gone into detail about the relationships between the Olympians. Nobody's ever really wanted to. With all that business about inbreeding and recessive genes (okay, they don't **_**have**_** genes per se, but you get the idea), it's no wonder they came out so screwed up.**

**A/N: While talking to OwlInAMinor, I mentioned how creepy it was that Zeus arranged a marriage between his aunt and his son. Which led straight to this.**

**Btw, all the mythology stories in here are true and off the top of my head.**

"Hey Katie?" called a voice. A voice that had become all too familiar in the five years since she'd first heard it.

Katie sighed and tilted her head back to see an upside-down Travis Stoll and trees doing handstands in the sky. She inwardly groaned. "I'm busy," she said. "What do you want?"

"Quite busy," he agreed, "sitting at the top of the cliff and staring at the ocean." He dodged her smack, and plopped down beside her very much uninvited. "Anyway. You seen your cuzzo around?"

"Which one?" she inquired, too relaxed to yell at him for bothering her. She had three demigod cousins, and about a million mortal ones.

"Emo? Son of Hades? Horde of fangirls following his every move? Also your step-nephew?" Travis looked sideways at Katie, one eyebrow raised quizzically.

He really did look like an elf, Katie thought absently. An imp. He had a sort of leprechauny look on his face.

Then his words hit her, and she froze in shock.

"Nico is my _step-nephew?_"

"Well, yeah," said Travis, as if it were obvious. "I mean, Persephone's your sister, right? Cause you're both daughters of Demeter? And she's Nico's evil stepmother. So he's your step-nephew."

"Huh," said Katie thoughtfully. "I never really thought about that. Hades is sort of pedophilic, then, if he married his niece."

Travis shrugged, the picture of nonchalance. "Kronos and Zeus married their sisters. Hephaestus married his great-aunt slash sister. It's normal."

_Great aunt slash sister?_

"…wut," said Katie.

"Aphrodite is a daughter of Ouranos," Travis explained. Of course he said it ur-AY-nus. He's TRAVIS, for gods' sake. "When Kronos brought him down, he castrated his father and threw the genitals into the ocean. From the sea foam rose Aphrodite. So _technically_ Hephaestus married his great-grandfather's kiwis–"

"Please stop talking," said Katie, feeling slightly sick. "I feel very uncomfortable about being related to these people. Can you just explain the 'sister' part?"

"Sure," agreed Travis readily. "The real Aphrodite is the one born from Ouranus's balls–"

_The way he says Ouranos, that sentence brings up very strange mental images,_ thought Katie.

"–but later on, two views of her developed. One, the 'real' Aphrodite and also the 'heavenly' Aphrodite, stood for emotional love. The other, who was a daughter of Zeus and the 'common' Aphrodite, was all about lust and such. There's really only one, as we all know, but it's a pretty cool story."

"Cool," said Katie, "but seriously screwed up." She shuddered. _The_ _real Aphrodite was born from your anus's balls…MUST...BLEACH...BRAINS..._

"We're a screwed-up family," shrugged Travis. "Aphrodite is Zeus's _aunt_. I wonder if he ever calls her Auntie?" he added thoughtfully.

"Words fail me," said Katie truthfully. Not just at the thought, which was disturbing enough, but that Travis could come across as such a moron and then whip out a PhD in Greek mythology.

Then again, it was probably just because of the story about Aphrodite's…er…unconventional birth. But clearly he knew more than the average camper.

"And Artemis is my _aunt_," Travis went on. "Auntie Arty," he snickered.

A wolf exploded out of the woods behind them, growled threateningly in Travis's face, and raced back into the forest.

"…" said Katie.

"Really, Auntie?" Travis shouted after the wolf. "Hmph. Bet she wouldn't be as casual if she'd realized that the boy who was hitting on her lieutenant is her nephew."

"And that said lieutenant is her sister," put in Katie, casually laying back again.

Travis patted her sun-warmed head approvingly. "That's the spirit." He dodged her halfhearted smack.

For a few minutes, they were quiet, drinking in the sunlight and watching Long Island Sound sparkle in the sunlight.

"Hey," said Katie suddenly, "did it ever occur to you that Chiron is my _uncle_?"

"Wow," said Travis in amazement. Some things were best left unpondered.

The son of Hermes and daughter of Demeter pondered their complex family anyway.

Suddenly, something hit.

"Oh my gods!" said Katie, at the same time that Travis yelled "HOLY MINX IN A MINY MUFFIN!" They both started babbling, words overlapping.

"If Demeter's my mom–"

"If Hermes is my dad–"

"–and Demeter is Zeus's sister–"

"–and Zeus is Hermes' dad–"

"HOLY SHIT!" the horrified demigods shrieked. "WE'RE _COUSINS_!"

**Cousins once removed, actually. It just didn't have the same ring to it.**

**So should Travis and Katie move to Alaska, Alabama, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, Washington D.C., or Shelbyville?**

…**they live in New York anyway. R&R?**


	4. How To Deal With Plotholes

Katie didn't know why Travis was trying to copy her Ancient Greek homework. She sucked at it as much as he did.

No that's what she said jokes, please.

As a way of distracting him, she asked, "Travis?"

"Yeah?" the son of Hermes mumbled, scribbling down words.

"How did you get the mobile grass guillotine to Demeter's temple in chapter two?"

Travis raised an eyebrow. "That never happened."

"Yes it did, when you flew there on a pegasus but somehow brought Chiron's mobile grass guillotine with you-"

"_That never happened._"

"Oh. Right." Having settled that it never happened, Katie resumed failing her homework and the plothole was forgotten.

**A/N: This is not a chapter. It does not require reviews. It is simply the result of what we shall refer to as the Brigid Fiasco, which causes all Maximum Ride fans to freak out at plotholes. If you have not read Maximum Ride, please convince yourself that this chapter does not exist.**


End file.
